July 12,2011
So now I am sitting in Deer Harbor on Orcas Island we are just chillin’ with Hunter and watching the clouds line up to rain on us.
I have been thinking about why I don’t get myself to church on a Sunday morning. Anything I even mention here is truly ”Just an Excuse” but, I feel the need to try to explain(?), Justify(?) to myself why I just can’t seem to get there. It absolutely has nothing to do with our new Pastor, James Kim. I love him. He is all about the changes that Alan, Big Al(Macpherson) and Pastor Chuck Carlson, and the vision/mission committee tried to do 6 or 7 years ago with the Purpose Driven Church, but the congregation really wasn’t ready for it. It only clicked with a very few.(You know the ones… the 20% who always seem to do everything) Maybe now we are ready at Little Church. Who Knows? Only God! (This gets long and complicated …hang in there!)
So anyway, for me, I have some quirky and really , ”my own problem” stuff ,as to why I can’t seem to make it to services. First: taking care of my mom on a Sunday morning. ”Why not just bring her with you?” you ask. Well, it is easier said than done. She has dementia and she is not always ready, willing or able to go to a public place first thing in the morning or even at 11:00. So, on those days it is not an option. Then there is my spouse. He wants my undivided attention and during the school year many times I spend Saturday grading reading papers and he takes his dog to Field Trials . So, Sunday he wants to spend time with me. That is reasonable…. and I suppose, we could go to church together but that is a whole other story. But there is still yet another reason we don’t just pop up and go to church on a Sunday. And, again, this is my own “problem”. I could just tell him I am going with or without him and go but I don’t.
Alan and I have had a journey thus far, of helping build things. At Immanuel: youth group, a defunct Sunday school program, and at LCOP: nurturing and raising kids in God’s love through missions and youth groups. My husband was on session for many years on and off at Immanuel and LCOP. He‘s the kind of person who is a visionary. He’s sees the big picture and the long haul. For me it has been an interesting journey. I think for Alan it has too, except that at this point in our lives we have sort fallen out of the places we have served. We no longer have “youth” of our own and really are not needed or wanted in the capacity of working with youth any longer. Alan finally, this year after 18 years with scouting has given that up and retired. There were tears and very sad feelings for several days after his last meeting.
So we have been hovering on the fringes of things, kind of waiting to see what would happen next, when we got a new pastor. For a while, serving in the capacity of volunteer musicians for the contemporary worship service was our service. It is very narcissistic, but while our son was leading worship it was pretty easy to have discussions and rehearsals about what we would play or sing. Quite often Ian would sneak into the 1st service and listen to the sermon and the tone of what the message was all about and then choose some songs that would be in line with that message for the day.
For the moment however, even this music “service” has been interrupted as Ian moves to his next phase of life. We tried very hard to play with the interim worship leader but he will not listen to anyone or even try to learn, and move ahead himself. He has kind of stopped moving forward in the worship music department. Sad too, he has the talent but he is not using it in productive ways. Alan is even more hurt about it than me. Music is a BIG part of who he is and his praise to God is through music. Right now that is only happening in our basement with Ian , myself, and occasionally Ellie and my brother. It is an amazing time ALWAYS! We sing praise songs and bluegrass and folksongs and rock. It is really a joyful noise!! But much too infrequentl done.
So about going to church… Well that is still another one of “My/Our Problems”. To stand in church at 11:00 on Sunday and listen to/watch our current interim leader make a fool out of himself pains both of us. I feel totally and utterly embarrassed…I can’t explain it...I feel embarrassed! It’s not me up there, but when I see how he does not value the girls up there singing with him or the fact that there are quite a few very talented people who could be playing and singing also…or even doing a tradeoff....(one week of one group and one week another..) or doing some songs that show case one of the Kim girls on the piano….or singing…. What’s up with that? It is utterly nuts! Change it up! (One of Pastor James’ blogs asked for prayers for strength and guidance for 2nd service…. Well yah! Maybe it even gets to him!! ) That’s just me.. it bothers Alan a lot more. I could probably go to church and close my eyes and stand close enough to Alan or Ian or Kate to just harmonize and blend in with them and forget about that kooky kid….but I don’t go…. because I try to support my husband too. He wants to go play or he comes to help with my mom and yeah…he is kind of avoiding things..I know. So there you have sports fans I am an avoider. I feel like I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop or…? I don’t know what. So for now for my own selfish reasons, I am trying to figure out how I pray for myself and my husband so that we can clearly see our calling to serve in the “community of believers” at this stage in our life.
I am still in a holding pattern on this one.
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